Aquent Aquent

"Blog You"

"Blog You"

As a veteran Blogger and Internet Merchandise Rater, I hope you’ll understand that, as a Citizen of the Web World, that there is nothing in my life that cannot be rated, recommended, or commented upon.

Just so you can understand a typical day in my life, I’d like to give you a rundown of this morning, which started off with a wholesome breakfast of Kashi’s Good Friends Cereal.

On a scale of 1 to 10, Good Friends cereal scores a 2 out of 10. Sure, it’s fibrous, which is what we’re going for here, but does it need to taste like the box it’s come in? The site, amazingly boasts “20% more granola, tastier twigs, and 12g of fiber!” as if somehow by replacing the words “new blue marshmallows” and “Power Ranger Prize inside!” with “twigs”, “granola”, and “fiber” would blow your over-30 mind. It’s rare to see a First World country hawk any product by using the word “twig”. Sorry to say, but if you serve this to your Good Friends, you might just turn them into Bitterest Enemies.

The box containing the Kashi cereal gets a solid 3. Where’s the fun, Kashi? Did you grab people off the street to pose for your box of organic whole grain goodness? Sure looks to be the case. Why don’t you find some organic beautiful people to stick on the front? Say, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. Now there’s something we can all get behind. What better way to start your day than by pretending you’re in a relationship with either of them. Or that they’re your friends and you’re all hiding in France, far away from the American paparazzi.

The cereal bag liner gets a solid 7 out of 10. While not particularly recyclable, it’s easy to open, easy to reseal, and has many other uses once it’s empty (Say fill it with quartered potatoes, a drizzle of good olive oil, and a packet of onion soup mix, then shake to coat and put into a crock pot to bake while you’re at work. Or to pick up dog droppings. The possibilities are endless.)

Horizon’s organic milk is my milk of choice and always rates a solid 9 out of 10. Before you say, “Whoa, Ken, give me a break here!”, just hear me out. Even Horizon’s 1% milk product is good, which is more than I can say about many milks, most of which taste as if they’ve been frozen into cubes then had the fatty goodness hacked right out of them. Horizon also contains Omega 3s which, sadly, I know little about. But I figure if I can get them without eating mercury-laden salmon, that’s a bonus. The copywriting on the side of the carton is informative without being preachy and is in a font I’m a huge fan of, Arial Narrow. Horizon also opted for the easier opening round cap, instead of the “gable top” cartons which I’ve come to loathe. What’s not to love?

This morning I had a choice of two spoons with which to eat my cereal. And those choices were not, as you might think, teaspoon and tablespoon. My ex-wife took all the tablespoons with her when she left, so I have two sets of teaspoons of which to eat my cereal, soup, and whatnot. The white ceramic handled variety is much easier on the eyes, but if you drop it on the floor it’s bound to break. For this reason I usually go with the stainless steel ones we picked up from Target a few years ago. Easy to grip, they’re the ones I prefer for all my spoon, fork, and knife endeavors except when serving guests (which, admittedly, is rare). Today’s spoon, however, wasn’t washed very well, so gets a 4 out of possible 10 points.

The garbage man who decided to back up then haul off the dumpster down the street gets an incredibly low 1 out 10 points. If I’d had my druthers, I would have gotten the name and vehicle number off his truck and blogged about him before copying and pasting the whole thing to their customer service department. Hey, it’s 7am, dude, don’t you think people are eating breakfast or even sleeping at this hour?! I realize your life sucks because you cut classes and hung out at the 7-11 smoking cigarettes and now you’re stuck hauling garbage in this awful summer heat, but think about the rest of us. (Actually if that’s the reason you’re doing it, I’ll up you to 3 out of 10 points, because that’d be a pretty good method of revenge.)

4 out of 10 points for the bird singing near my window. Pretty enough but the song… would you even call it a song? I’m guessing it was a Gnatcatcher of some kind with its warbling song, which I’m not wild about. I lean toward the Cardinal family, most especially the Indigo Bunting with its lively whistled notes.

Radio Deejays commenting on weather, road conditions, and celebrities: 2 out of 10. Really, you guys are not funny, and if I could figure out a way to position my radio to get anything but your station, I would. Though I’m happy you fired your annoying female sidekick, I can’t believe your axe missed whoever that is playing the “ironic” funny sounds on your board. You can pay $50,000 for a soundboard and clips, but if the guy operating it hasn’t gotten out of 5th grade, you’ve got a serious problem. (Once again, if the Sound Guy is just looking to upset guys like me who finished college, I’ll up you to 4 out of 10 points.)

And this is all before I’ve even finished my cereal!

A quick rundown, without commentary, of the next hour goes something like this (each item out of 10 possible points):

  • Sonicare Elite 9500 toothbrush: 3
  • Tom’s of Maine fennel toothpaste: 7
  • Itchy Toscano mock turtleneck wool sweater: 2
  • Clarks “Orion” shoes: 9
  • Door handle on the front door: 5
  • Courteousness of other drivers during commute: 3
  • Left turn signal at Wilshire and Fairfax: 6 (up 2 points from yesterday)
  • Guy running through crosswalk even though I have the green arrow: 1
  • Beverly Hills Chihuahua bus wrap: 4
  • Errant thoughts about my former wife as I pass by her workplace: 2
  • Strange whistling coming out of my nose: 3
  • Outfielders: 4
  • American Bison: 8
  • Pandora’s Box: 3
  • Slack-Key Guitar: 5
  • Type O Blood: 9

As you can clearly see, I’m a busy guy!

I’ll let you know right now, while you’re ringing up my groceries, checking my oil, or trying to converse with me at a bar, I may be multitasking, that is commenting about you on one of my three blogs or giving feedback to your marketing department courtesy of my iPhone 3G.

Unless, of course, you happen to be my manager.

I’ll extend you the courtesy to blog about you and whatever it is you said after you’ve left the room.

Well, maybe not what you said.

Kind of hard to hear you over all this internal noise.

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